It hit me yesterday that the only time I feel at peace here is when I’m writing this blog. Don’t get me wrong, Seattle life is going as well as it possibly could, but that’s because I’m fighting for it every day. The people here are great, but they’re new and unfamiliar. I’m genuinely interested in my job, but I have no idea what the hell I’m doing or how to figure it out. When I’m dissecting some thought I have about my body or my workout routine, (okay, more like complaining) I feel comfort. I might not know how to solve the issue I’m writing/complaining about, but it’s familiar territory, and writing gives me something to focus on. I put effort into making my thoughts clear, but it’s a different kind of effort than figuring out an excel formula or making plans for next weekend. Writing this is a way for me to talk about my lifestyle and use my brain at the same time. It’s the hobby that I’m looking for, but am nervous to pursue after work because I don’t want to burn out.
This blog isn’t about fitness anymore, but fitness was never the right word… Is it wellness? It is wellness, but more than in a movement and diet sense. The thoughts here are my personal life. This is my personal life on paper. I enjoy making plans with friends and going on adventures, but my thoughts here are where my heart and mind wants to be. I know this is dramatic, but I’m at a dramatic point in my life.
I’m spending so much time on this blog and enjoying it so much that I want to reach a greater audience. It seems silly- Why do I want more people to read my thoughts that exist here because my friends and family didn’t want to hear about them? Validation, I guess. Don’t I get embarrassed to tell people I have a fitness blog? Does this mean I want to be an influencer? I hate the stereotype that comes with being an influencer, nor do I care to take countless gym videos of myself and be forced to come up with new content. I guess I’m at the point where I want to share this with more people because I’m enjoying putting so much time into it.
Putting these thoughts on paper makes me feel less “alone.” I don’t feel lonely now, but I love talking about the gym and everything that comes with it and I don’t want to scare new people away. I’m an obsessive person, so even other girls who are stronger or eat better than me (which is many people) probably don’t spend as much time thinking about it as me. I’m insecure about talking about it too much, but I want to talk at the same time. I realize now that my personality isn’t the hour or two I spend at the gym. It starts with the hour or two, but my personality is the dedication and consistency I require of myself. It’s the fear of failing, and the passion for learning about the best ways to make progress. An ordinary person might not see the depth from listening to me talk about my routine. I can’t and don’t expect people to understand this right away, but I need to own it. I’m done being insecure about coming off as shallow. I love this, and I’m going to own it.