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#100.5: THE List

Writer's picture: Michelle BuyerMichelle Buyer

I write most of my blog posts with a clear purpose - To work through my thoughts and feelings, and come to an understanding of how to move forward. In other words, intellectualize my emotions so that I can find ways out of them. While this has absolutely contributed to my growth as a person, hindsight makes it obvious that intellectualization is not always the answer. Feelings are okay too. Actually, feelings and emotions are a welcomed part of the human experience. Please note that I did not use the word good in that sentence - I’m no longer labeling good vs bad. The purpose of this post is not to intellectualize, but I’m giving myself grace if that ends up happening. A little bit, at least. My purpose today is to check in with how I’m feeling and what I want - If I know what I want. I couldn’t help but cringe, and maybe have empathy for myself as I looked over what my (un-posted) writing the other day. I was trying my best at the time and I’m allowing that to be enough for now. I made progress. Dramatic as it sounds, the ‘internal strife’ is SO obvious. I deleted most of the writing and I won’t regret it.


I’ve been running around (literally), talking a big game about learning to “be chill” and “have balance.” I’m proud of myself for making the effort, for the most part. Nonetheless, previous reflection makes it obvious that I’m still missing the point. Declaring that “I’m chill,” doesn’t make me chill, unfortunately. I can do the work to sign off by a certain hour, or make time for myself before work, but that only goes so far. I can read every single book about optimization or relaxation. Ultimately, those are words when I require actions. I’m not sure what to say next, because there’s nothing to say. I need to let go. As much as the voice inside my head wants to sit and continue to tell me that I don’t know how, that’s already over-complication. I’m letting go.


Despite the evidence of continued struggle the other day, I’m glad that I compiled a list of things that I want. Even if I then questioned if that’s what I want… and then decided that it wasn’t enough [insert pace-palm emoji]. Regardless, I wrote that I wanted to run 2 miles in 16 minutes. My fastest 2-mile time previously was nearly 18 minutes, if I’m honest with myself. Runners will recognize that a 1 min/ mile improvement is superhuman. I did it spontaneously, in true Michelle fashion. I’m labeling the accomplishment as the first official example of Rule #2.1: I do what I want, because I want to. This is a clear contrast vs Rule #2: You hurt me, I get hotter. The act of writing down goals/wants worked as a primer to seize the opportunity when my body felt ready, even if I didn’t expect it. Rule #2.1 is going to be the best one yet. 


On a somewhat related note, I must’ve had kid-wisdom when I said “You’re not old until you die. Then you were old.” Today, I appreciate that mentality more than ever. I’m tired of the criticism of my age or lack of experience. In 90% of circumstances, it comes off as an excuse to say no instead of a productive “no” that comes with a legitimate reason and actionable feedback to turn the no into a yes if I choose to invest the time and energy. I recognize that “no” accompanied by a reason is a luxury. No reason is fine. An excuse is not. If the reason for “no” is specific to lack of experience, please share which specific skills I can develop. For example, I’m grateful to the mentor that translated a flimsy no by suggesting that I focus on improving communication with a new set of audiences. Okay, letting go of the frustration now. 


I’m making a habit of writing down what I want, even if it’s not an official or immediate goal. Even if I change my mind, I’m actively listening to myself. I recognize the similarities between this idea and the ‘Universal Law of Attraction.’ That’s mostly where I learned this, despite a unique source. As it turns out, going through the motions isn’t enough to trigger the positive effects. Rather, it’s about the genuine value that I genuinely believe in, regardless of other opinions. While I’m keeping “The List” private, the item on said list is to keep it open while I’m working, and add to it quickly instead of distracting myself with exploration of ideas as they arise and taking away from flow time. Something related to the default mode network?


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