For the last month or two, I struggled to figure out what I want to do with my month off of work. First, it was Australia. Then it was Boston to study for the GMAT. Then I said screw the GMAT. I’m taking a month to build my app. I came up with various combinations of each of these ideas, went back and forth, and everything in between. Each time I came to a decision, new information changed my answer. I second guessed myself, questioned the trip and even time off altogether. Sometimes I resented it, especially after how hard I fought for the time to begin with. By fight, I mean I didn’t make the time to use PTO earlier, so I’m dangerously close to the cap. In order to finally figure it out, I have to admit that I’m upset at myself for letting the pressure of the unknown, and not getting what I want get to me. When I let the pressure get to me,I made a decision so quickly that I felt trapped later. It wasn’t all bad, but I’ll come back to this. Bare with me.
My Dad (and many others) suggested listening to my gut. What if my gut is injured? What if I haven’t treated myself well, and am too desensitized to realize the signs? What if my was wrong and I lost trust? I’m learning the differences between pushing myself towards growth and beating myself up. What if I don’t push myself enough and don’t realize my potential? Or, what if I push myself too hard and wind up miserable and in poor health? Separate, future problem.
When my last relationship ended, I knew it was time for the 6 months of being single that I talked about before the (short-lived, albeit meaningful) relationship prior. I didn’t actually count the months from start to (minimum) finish until now - I’m kind of proud of that. It's an important perspective that my longest relationship ended 2ish years ago. Despite a few major things that should've been dealbreakers, the real reason we broke up for good was that our life goals were fundamentally misaligned. We were so young that it's not until now that I have the perspective to summarize it that way. My gut told me that he wasn’t my person from the start, even if I disregarded it for 3+ years. I bet he knew it, too. If I can reach the point of genuinely wishing him the best in such a short time relative to the relationship, I can get through anything.
Lately, the men I’m interested in seem to talk in grand, convincing terms about the future. No matter what stage of “talking.” They convince me that I’m special to them AND that it’s not love bombing. Who knows, maybe it’s not, because it’s all just a fantasy to begin with. Unfortunately, it’s exactly the ‘fantasy’ that I’m eventually after. If I call them out, I’m in trouble for overthinking. Leave it alone, and it eats away at me. Participate by believing it, and you just might wake up with a broken heart (or at least the feeling of it) days later. Even after you told yourself that you wouldn’t let it happen again. What’s a girl supposed to do? Maybe these guys are getting closer to being ready for something real. Maybe they realize I’m not the right person. Or that they’re almost ready, but not quite. They experiment with the ideas of the future with women in the way that my friends and I experiment with clothes and makeup. As much as I wish these experiments weren’t at the expense of my feelings, I can only control myself and my reactions. Note to self: I bet the cultural history of dating is fascinating. Another note to self: Breathe. Stop to smell the flowers every once in a while.
I’m almost certain that each of these men will find someone amazing one day. It almost hurts that they get to hurt me or any of my friends like this and still have a version of ‘happily ever after,’ It doesn’t, though. For real. I hope they learn the right lessons before they’re lucky enough to find the woman that puts up with them. Anyway, with each subsequent episode of ‘buffoonery,’ I become increasingly more grateful than I already am for my close female friends. My best friends. I appreciate that they support me, check in on me, and that they don’t let me gaslight myself into thinking that I’m wrong for standing my ground. I have no idea where I’d be without each of them. If I only learn one thing from Project SS6, it’s the importance of prioritizing friendship. I also learned that from the last book that one of my best friends recommended to me. Seriously, love you. Please share more book recommendations if you have them.
In this particular episode, I had a few great dates with a great guy. These were a few of the best dates that I’ve had in the early stages of dating. When the texts seemed too good to be true, I legitimately asked if this was love bombing. He said no. I believed him. When he updated his dating app profile after we had been texting like crazy for two weeks, as my friends can attest, I was confused. I jokingly called him out after several unnecessary mentions of the word ‘exclusive’ - Not on my part. I'm proud of myself for that1. In the spirit of not overthinking, I let it go. Dating doesn’t have to be that serious. Especially during Project SS6. In fact, I purposefully avoided discussion of the future and religion. I’m proud of that, too. I allowed myself to trust his word and be excited, until one of my boundaries proved to be a deal-breaker. I was most caught off guard by the lack of respect communicated from his reaction. My response was then along the lines of I’m not interested in the kind of guy who reacts in this way to this boundary. He ended things because my [extremely reasonable] boundary was firm. I feel like I should be ashamed to admit that he was the one to end things, because of my [extremely reasonable boundary] but I’m not. I’m glad that he ended it, because I’m not sure that I would’ve, even after that, although it needed to end. It’s rare that I’m the one to end it these days. I stand my ground, and they consistently choose to walk away.
Infer as you wish about his character, but I choose to see it otherwise. He had potential. As the women in my life helped me to realize quite quickly, I deserve better. You know what this means? If this guy had the potential that he did, and still wasn’t good enough, I will find better. It doesn’t mean that I won’t make compromises. I absolutely will, but I’ll find better than a person that was great in many ways. My gut may not tell me “this could be” until many months into dating, but my gut will tell me “this is wrong.” With 20/20 hindsight, I see that my gut told me it wasn’t right when I had to ask about the love bombing. Hurt as I was, I learned that I’m capable of giving the benefit of the doubt, developing feelings, allowing myself to be excited, and enjoying the entire process.
In the mean-time, I have a massive presentation to get excited for tomorrow. Then, I’ll get truly excited for time off. Thanks to the universe for the swift kick in the ass to get me to it out, I guess? Even if it's the last thing I want to do, I’m letting go of anger towards myself. I’m replacing it with the strength that I need to get my butt on the plane to Boston, and to set myself up for the future. I even booked my flight upon first making the reservation - which is something I struggle to do until the last minute, to my parents’ chagrin. I’ll spend the month studying for the GMAT and catching up with friends. Learning to enjoy life as an adult. Obviously, I’ll find a gym, too. That's part of enjoying life.
I’m not taking this time as a means of escape. I earned the PTO, and we all need a break. Besides, I have a bone to pick with standardized tests. The closest thing that I have in life to a regret is that I didn’t reach my potential on the ACT. I didn’t know how to study at the time, but I sure as hell do now. You may have heard about this weird affinity that I have for nice tables. My favorite set of nice tables is at the Boston Public Library. I must’ve the trip to Boston for a reason in the first place. As much as I want to travel the world and build my app, I want to do it the right way. Pride aside, this is the right way. However, this one hurts. We can’t laugh about it for at least the next 2-3 years. We’ll see, maybe when I graduate.
1 As someone once asked me where my claws are as a ‘successful woman of my age,’ yes, I do have claws. If I have to show you them before date 3ish, we probably shouldn’t be seeing each other. Either you suck or I need a chill pill. Likely both.
Comments