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  • Writer's pictureMichelle Buyer

#63: My first half marathon was a way to run away. This time, I'm running toward something more.

I’m waking up this morning feeling absolute disappointment in myself --- yesterday (and the day before) was one of those days. I managed to stay gluten free (with the exception of 6 Hello Robin cookies the day before that made me regret my life), but I did the opposite of eat to make myself feel good.

Let me confess and move on. Yesterday alone, I ate 1 pint of Graeters ice cream, 1 pint of “keto friendly” ice cream, 1 roll of gluten free Oreos, 12 gluten free monster chocolate chip cookies, eggs for breakfast and California rolls for dinner. If that’s not self-sabotage, I don’t know what is. Although I was mostly solid in the gym this week, I lost sight of myself and my mission, more than just with food. I let someone else occupy my energy right after I said I wouldn’t, and I haven’t been disciplined on sleep, which lead to less productivity at work. I could barely look at myself in the mirror at the gym last night. I had a good workout – just a leg day de-load before my half marathon tomorrow, but I felt fat again looking in the mirror. That was before the second pint of ice cream and cookies. I didn’t get on the scale, but I know I gained more than a pound. That’s okay. Momentary loss in focus, but this morning I can feel that there’s no stopping me now.

As part of re-focusing, I’m re-starting phase two of my experiment, this time with a better plan. I do actually have a great balance in my life between the gym, work, and friends. Who knew I was capable of balance? I’ll never get sick of reminding myself that I’m living my dream, problems and all. I’m 100% confident that this is where I’m meant to be. Nonetheless, I’ve identified areas where I can improve:

1. Get at least 8 hours of sleep on weekdays. Point blank period, no excuses. 2. Drink 8 glasses of water. 3. 80g of carbs is the max number of carbs (excluding alcohol, for balance 😉) that I’m giving myself for the next 2-4 weeks. I’m not counting calories, just carbs. No excuses this time.

That feels like a short list to write down, but I know that it’s still a difficult task. I’m doing decently with everything else for now. I noticed over the last few weeks that lowering my carb intake truly makes me feel better and see myself better. It’s challenging, but worth it. I didn’t realize how much I was genuinely enjoying being on my own until it nearly slipped away again. I had energy for small things such as keeping my apartment clean and organized, listening to audiobooks, cooking, and being excited for plans with friends. I used to feel like being single was embarrassing, like I couldn’t find someone that wanted to be with me, and that I needed someone to share daily events with. I fully understand now that being single can be a positive. I should be with someone who can keep up, and who will only add value to my life. Nor does every person need to know so much about me. I’d rather invest time learning about other people – romantically or not – than talk about myself.

The last time I ran a half marathon, I did it to run away from my problems. I needed something to distract me from the struggles I faced. As time passes, the more I understand everything that wasn’t working in my life and previous relationship, for longer than I cared to admit. These days, I don’t know if the right person is out there for me, but I know that I’ll be happy and successful for myself regardless. This time, I’m (literally) running towards my goals, and I’m excited as hell for it.

Side note, did you know I actually love running? It’s become the best way to check in with myself and create a plan.

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