#12: Yes, I'm Self-Obsessed.
Updated: Aug 27, 2021
The short answer is yes. For goodness’ sake, I have a blog dedicated to all things fitness and wellness in my life. And yes, it's major cringe. Sorry Jennifer. So far, I’ve written exclusively about myself. I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about how I look, and it doesn’t help that I don’t work yet—although I’m not complaining. It is time for me to tone it down though in everyday conversation. I’ll keep writing, because I’m having fun and it’s a great outlet, but I will do a better job keeping my thoughts to myself.
For anyone that’s sick of hearing me now, I completely understand. Here’s where I’m at: What if you woke up one day and your appearance was exactly what you always dreamed it could be? I still have good days and bad days, but I couldn’t be happier. So yeah, I’m a little full of myself, but I worked damn hard for it, and I continue to work for it each day. I won’t be 22 forever. I want to look back at this time of my life and remember that I accomplished my fitness goals and that had fun as a young person. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, but the months of tears and frustration have paid off. I know it’s been a while now, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I can walk into any store and know that if the clothes don’t fit me, it’s their problem, not mine. Honestly, a lot of the time I try on a dress and wonder if it’s truly a cute dress or I like it because if it’s because I’m finally happy with how I look. My specific goal was to look this way, but another person could feel the same way about herself at any weight or physical shape—whether it be 10 lbs lighter or 30 lbs heavier or anything in between. This isn’t about me being the “best” or “most” anything, this is just about me being proud and confident in myself for the first time. I want it to be clear that I might seem “obsessed” with myself because I know that I’m better than my former self, not because I think that I’m different from anyone else.
I recognize that I only feel this way because of the way I look now, not because I’m at peace with myself. I know this is dangerous and unhealthy, as I’ve mentioned before. My guess is that I wouldn’t be able to keep up my appearance now if I wasn’t a little obsessive. I will have to find a solution in the future, but for now I will continue to live my best life and take as many pictures as possible so that I can remind myself of my appearance now.
I used to HATE running into people from the past (mainly high school). I had the worst night of my life in Spain after seeing a few too many New Trier kids. But now, it doesn’t matter anymore. Who knew that life is better when you aren't constantly paranoid? If I see someone, I’m confident in who I am and I no longer feel the need to hide like I did in Spain. That doesn’t mean I need to visit with everyone I run into, but I can be happy either way. There are always aspects of life that I want to improve but developing confidence in myself through accomplishing these goals has helped me in many ways, and I hope these lessons in discipline and confidence stay with me no matter how I look.
Having said all of this, it's important to understand that I've just been relaxing for the last few months. I do feel like this self-obsession has gotten out of control, but I've had nothing else to focus on, but that's going to change soon.