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  • Writer's pictureMichelle Buyer

#37: Is it ok not to know? I don't know.

Updated: Feb 24, 2022

I’m so grateful for the last few weeks of vacation. I needed the distance to be rested and recharge. It’s amazing how much more I appreciate a vacation now that days off are so limited. I learned the most effective for me to recharge is to spend time at home with family. Specifically, having social interactions throughout the day that don’t require effort, choosing what to eat based on what’s in the house, and not being preoccupied with making a mess.

In Seattle, I’m responsible for my own food shopping: I make every single choice about what I eat and when. Jennifer and I might complain about what’s in the fridge in Wilmette, but there’s always plenty of food for us. If we don’t like it, we choose not to eat it. That’s how I maintained weight for so long. I also refuse to eat an entire pint of ice cream in front of my family. In Seattle, I’m alone in my apartment, so there’s no natural stopping point to a meal. As for not being preoccupied with making a mess…Sorry mom. I don’t mind doing dishes and laundry, because that be relaxing at times, but I find it stressful that I’m responsible for cleaning up every single crumb and hair in my apartment. That’s why I shower at the gym. I may be an “organized mess,” but I need the apartment to be dirt free at all times, and the thought of missing a crumb on the floor makes me feel disgusting. (First world problems.) These small things slowly contributed to the burnout I felt before. However, I noticed this week that Seattle is truly home now. People asked how long I’m in town for, and I told them without thinking that I go home Sunday. It might not be a permanent place, but the life that I’m meant to live is there now.

I made it incredibly clear that I love my life recently, (Wait, where do I live again?) but I still don’t have a sense of direction. How should I go about things in my personal life? What do I want to do next with my career? Frankly, I wish my brain would shut up. If I spent half as much energy taking a path and running with it as I do overthinking every little detail, I would’ve won the Nobel prize in physics by now. I haven’t taken physics since high school.

I wrote a post yesterday. As I read over it now I’m thinking, “Nobody cares.” Including me. I’m writing a stream of consciousness online and offline hoping to figure out what I want. It’s particularly difficult because I always knew exactly what I wanted before—or at least I thought I did. I can come up with goals for myself, but what I want one day isn’t necessarily what I want the next, so it’s not fair to commit to it? I’m almost motivated to start working towards something new. Is this why I’m feeling so icky?

This feeling of not knowing is uncomfortable for me. I’m not special, and that’s a good thing. It’s a quintessential part of life for someone in their early twenties. (I have to laugh—I’m a 23-year-old wearing my little crop top on the plane, clacking away intently on my laptop, as if it’s so important. It’s out of control. Some people choose to read. I choose to write about myself and post it on the internet. And then I STILL want to cry half the time I look in the mirror.) ANYWAY, part of me wants to accept that I don’t know and just keep doing my best. The other part of me wants to set new goals for the sake of direction, as long as I don’t fall into the new year’s resolution trap.

I would love to eat heathier and feel good. That means eating nutritious meals, enjoying sweets in moderation and being happy with how I look when I look in the mirror no matter what I’ve had to eat that week. Go to bed on time every night and wake up in the morning energized for my workout. Push myself as much as I can during my lifts no matter what time of day they are. Push through the difficult and daunting tasks at work with a genuinely good attitude. Get a promotion. Be content and accept nothing less than what I deserve out of personal relationships. Say no to plans that I’m not interested in. Learn and move on from my mistakes. Appreciate my family for everything they do for me. Return my friends calls and texts promptly. Clean my apartment more often. Walk 8,000 steps every day. Go for a run every once in a while. Balance enjoyment with saving money. Stretch or meditate before bed or when I have a free moment. Get my nose out of my phone and read a goddamn book.

That’s the list of everything I would to be a perfect version of myself, but it’s not meant to be realistic. I’ll be satisfied if I accomplish a quarter to a third of those things at this stage of my life. How do I decide what to prioritize? What’s most important to me right now? As long as I don’t know, I think the best thing for me is to get back to the only thing that I do know: Getting in good shape… or getting hotter. (For the record, thinking less would be hotter too, at least to me.) Maybe, by the time I finish this, I’ll have some more profound thing to work on. This was supposed to be a fitness blog.

EDIT: I'm posting this two days later, because I think it's important. I was being way too dramatic, so I hope you can laugh with me.

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